The year began with me being pretty motivated, I wanted to get back to training judo and bjj, the two sports I’d done most in recent years. I gave one session a try and had absolutely no cardio, just completely ran out of gas mid roll, I’ve always been able to pace myself so this never happened. I put it down to a lack of training, getting old and being a lot more unfit than normal and resolved to get in the gym for swimming, weights and the cross trainer. I did this for a while but even by my standards just didn’t seem to be getting results. Without really thinking about it I guess the lack of improvement became de-motivationg, other things like work began to get in the way and things gradually slipped back. I’d probably resigned myself that heading through middle age I just couldn’t do things that I used to.

The year was quickly passing and going into the summer I got a couple of colds, annoying because I’d usually only get about one a year. At the end of August start of September I felt really ill, there was one day I could hardly get out of bed and I put this down to a chest infection. When I couldn’t shake it and after a couple of days off work I phoned my GP. I didn’t have to go in, I described how I was feeling over the phone and they prescribed a course of antibiotics. September continued and I couldn’t get rid of the cough, so towards the end of the month phoned the GP again. This time they sent me for a chest x-ray and told me to come in a couple of days later to look at the results.

The x-ray was at the local drop in centre and was really quick and efficient, the radiologist straight away told me to phone the GP surgery, I’m not sure he was supposed to say but he said it looks like an infection. Before I could even phone I received a call from the GP office telling me they’d sent a prescription of antibiotics to my local pharmacy and that they’d see me in a few days. So far I was pretty impressed with this quality of service.

When I saw the GP he said it looked like an infection, he wanted me to go for another x-ray for comparison at the end of the month when he would expect to see an improvement, it could also be that there would be scarring on the lung. He did mention cancer in passing, but said that was unlikely and there was no point worrying about it anyway – so cheers for that. I went back to the GP A few weeks later, after getting the second x-ray, it was at this point they said they were referring me for a CT scan for further checking.

On December 9th 2019 at around 6pm I was walking towards my car in a daze. About an hour earlier I was called in to a room in the Respiratory Dept at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth. I knew things were maybe a little more serious than I expected when the doctor sat me down and said one of the nurses would be joining us.

The doctor introduced the nurse and said she was one of the specialist cancer nurses in the department – oh, er, ok.  I can’t actually remember which way round this happened, I was either shown the scan or asked some questions. The doc turned his monitor so we could both see it and showed me the scan from the morning. He pointed out the bottom of my lung and showed there was a patch there, explaining that from the previous x-rays the GP had thought it was the chest infection and it would clear, it was the radiologist who looked at the second x-ray who recommended checking for cancer. The doc explained the patch looked like cancer, also that glands in between the lungs looked swollen.

As the doc explained the results I had the weirdest feeling, like nothing I’ve experienced.It was like the films where you are still there, but everything around you slows down and goes quiet, the doc was talking but none of it seemed to be registering. The doc explained there was no easy way to say it and how sorry he was. He asked a few questions like if I smoked – never – or if I got short of breath and had to rest – yes, but generally I was able to pace myself. I was then told that the following Friday they were arranging a biopsy so that the cancer could be examined and some treatment worked out from the results. The nurse then took me aside, explained some of the specialist support that was available and gave me some blood tests in preparation for the biopsy.

In the morning I’d gone for a CT scan after being referred by my GP. I’d had what I thought was a chest infection and was referred to the hospital for the scan to get a little more detail than the x-rays had shown. The CT scanner looks pretty cool, a bit sci-fi. I’d been prepped by being asked to drink a bottle of water and given an injection of dye which would help show up the organs in more detail on the scan. Once prepped you lie on your back and go back and forth through the scanner a few times, then before you know it you’re putting your top back on and going back to the prep area where you wait for about 10 mins to to make sure everything is ok. Between the scan and the evening appointment for the results I went for a swim at the gym and a coffee, it was a pretty nice, chilled day.

Which all left me walking towards my car in the hospital car park. The nurse had said for the biopsy I needed to really bring someone with me and make sure that they could be around  that night in case there were any side effects. This was going to be one of the most difficult things for me – I’m used to dealing with things on my own – one of the first things I thought, once the daze began to clear was I’m so glad I don’t have kids or a partner that depends on me, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t cope with that. Some people might say the way that I deal with things isn’t really coping, that a family would offer support, they could be right, but I’m used to managing on my own. The first thing I did was phone family, there’s only my brother and father, we’re not that close, if ever I needed more support and for them to step up it’s now, but I’m not that hopeful – let’s see, they might surprise me. I have mates like old drinking buddies from football, or training partners, not really ones that I’d feel comfortable with going to for something this serious. The people I did go to, who were amazing and stepped up immediately, were two of my old mates from school – they’ll never know how much it meant that I could rely on them when it was really needed.